i am afraid, i was born to do this

"sainthood discriminates only in that you must die in order to achieve it."

This is a paper on Joan of Arc by Jules Bastien-Lepage, but it is also a paper on being transgender and afraid. It oscillates between formal analysis and reckoning with my own internal feelings of and relating to the Saint. 

"Why do you like Joan of Arc so much? my roommate asked me the other day. I think I said something along the lines of my being an Arnold Palmer of genetic Catholic Guilt and Transsexualism as a response, but that answer barely scratches the surface of the issue. Why do I like Joan of Arc so much? My brain was on fire when I was sixteen, I have fucked up bangs, I wear men’s clothes, sweet mother I cannot weave, I long for an effortless and unquestioned androgyny (although perhaps something which arguably led to your execution is not quite effortless, but I digress). I wish I was wearing armor most days."